When you’re a hammer…
…Everything is a nail. I first heard that expression about twenty-five years ago and I didn’t quite understand what it meant. It took me a little time to really see it in action. When someone has a way of operating in their life that doesn’t change, they are a hammer and everything is a nail. A manager who consistently looks outside of themselves for answers – someone on the leadership team who is a constant state of analysis – the one who makes everything into a joke at meetings when things are trying to be done – all hammers. Every new scenario or new person is met in the same exact way of operating, like a violin that only plays one chord.
But when the single chord that is being played is a need for control, it can feel like a double hammer. It’s like a radio that just can’t be turned down. They take a blow torch to the candle on the cake, when a light breath would extinguish the flames. When a manager is a ‘double hammer’ it costs customers, burns out loyalty and silences and frustrates coworkers.
Let me be clear, a ‘double hammer’ may sometimes be hard to spot at first. They are often charming, intelligent and funny and they know how to use those qualities to throw others off balance and get their way. But underneath the cover, they are poised to strike a blow. I know someone who has been incredibly successful in his career, but that success has come at a price. He has lost marriages, friends and his relationships even with family members that are surface-level. It isn’t an accident that he operates solo now rather than in a business partnership. When asked questions that ask him to view something from an alternate perspective, he digs in and gets positional. When others request that he be available, he is rigid and uncompromising, refusing to alter things that could easily be shifted. He expects to call the shots and have others adapt to his game plan. This is costing him dearly, but it may take a bit until he actually sees it. Left to his own devices, it is unlikely he’ll change. Most of us don’t like change – especially if we have gotten results so far.
Think about it: a hammer is an incredibly useful tool. When it is placed in the right hands, it can sculpt Michelangelo’s David. When placed in the hands of a torturer, the results can be gruesome. And there is just about everything in between.
When corporations pay for valuable skill-based trainings to be done with top management and executives, one critical thing is missing. They are giving the ‘tool’ to everyone, but not everyone is using the tool the same way. Some people will take the knowledge and run with it, while others will just use it as something else in their arsenal.
Ontology focuses on how someone is being or showing up in their life – everywhere. Chances are that if manager is being abrasive and arrogant at work, he’s being pretty similar at home. Or if a manager isn’t speaking up or using her voice at work, she’s probably not at home. Ontological based trainings (iNSPIRE BUSINESS SUCCESS) focus on the ways that we reveal our ‘operating style’ – whether it is through language, body language, interpretations and perspectives, people are always revealing themselves.
This type of training is not for the faint of heart. It is for companies that are tired of spending on skill-based trainings and getting wildly different results throughout their team. An experiential training involves people providing feedback to other team members in a safe and supportive way so that the leadership team is communicating directly with each other, instead of behind-backs. It also helps people begin to see themselves in action, with freeze-frame moments for a person to hear and see how they are showing up. Sometimes our perception of ourselves isn’t quite accurate. People are often moved when they receive feedback that they are helpful, caring and trustworthy, when they have believed that others don’t notice.
As for the double hammer, they don’t wake up in the morning wanting to be controlling and abrasive – it is a strategy they put in place long ago in order to get through whatever they needed to get through. When they see that it is costing what they value and are held accountable, they can shift. Maybe initially a velvet hammer – then perhaps loosening to a foam hammer you get at the carnival, taking out the big hammer only when needed.
